I think that in itself is a major accomplishment for me considering the last time I felt inspired to venture forth I totally chickened out and succumbed to my negative emotions. In fact, it almost happened again, but I was able to shove them aside and proceed in shaky confidence. If I must be honest, I'm still combating those shadows, as I'll refer to my negative emotions from here on out. Why? Well, simply because the negative feelings I am experiencing couldn't be clearly defined. Nor do I necessarily want to put any effort into defining them in fear that doing so would only make them stronger.
I am on this self-betterment quest. Journey? Adventure? *shrug* I'm not entirely too sure what to call it, but I do know that it is time to make some positive changes --
Good god!! Somebody has horrid body odor. Do I look around? That's rude. There's nobody within a five ft radius of me, though. I've got to at least look behind me. Where is this smell coming from?!
Ah-hah! I looked about me cleverly disguised as a good stretch, which did feel good. I am a bit tense. And, yes, I was right. there is nobody within a 5 ft. radius of me. That odor, however, smells as though Stanky is sitting right next to me. Oh dear Lord, I can almost taste it...
But I digress. I was going on about how it was time for me to make some changes.
I prefer "Self-Betterment" opposed to "Self-Improvement" because I feel that self improvement has a stigma to it. It suggests that there is something wrong with you to begin with when I don't feel that's the right way of going about things. Especially if you want to make a positive change.. Sure, while you're not at your best, there could always be a worse version of yourself, but you've made the choice of doing something about it. That shouldn't be a bad thing and it's not. Just like if someone's seeing a therapist doesn't make them any less of a person. I think it makes them better. Even if they don't "get better" at least they're making an effort. What are you doing, Karen?
There's a lot I've got on my self-betterment list. Getting out is one of them. I've become a bit of a shut-in these days and that isn't good. I know I consider myself a home-body and I love the comfort of my home, but it can easily be taken for granted if I never leave its comfy confines. Being a shut-in also doesn't help an open mind. In fact, it helps keep it closed. It also closes you off from people and as much as I'll admit I'm not fond of many people, some people are an opportunity for something new. Not allowing myself the opportunity to meet opportunity is just ridiculous. Besides, I can enjoy my home so much better when I subject myself to different surroundings. I can truly appreciate my sanctuary.
So, here I am! Sitting at a table with my headphones plugged in each ear pecking away at the keys of my Chromebook still keeping those shadows at bay. I can feel them wiggling about in the pit of my stomach. Whispering toxic thoughts such as, "What are you doing?" and "Why are you even here?"
I came here to return and renew my checked out books, like a good, model citizen. Sure, I checked out three books and only read two chapters of one, but hey! This is a process and I am learning. Because I am one "not to waste a trip" I figured I'd change my surroundings and come spend time in a public place.
So far, I'm not particularly enjoying the atmosphere and Stanky isn't helping either. Funny, because when the inspiration initially struck me, I had envisioned something different than what I'm currently experiencing. Maybe it's the rainy day and lack of sun. Or the disgruntlement of having to work a 4.5 hour shift ending at 9 in the evening. Maybe it's Stanky. More likely, I think it's those shadows.
The important part is that I came here today. I got out of my house and subjected myself to new experiences outside of my comfortable norm. I returned a book renewed two others, cleaned out my primary email inbox, and have typed up a blog entry -- one that I'll be sure not to loose. Hah. I have spent two hours of my day experiencing my world (thanks, Stanky) and while it isn't what I had envisioned, perhaps that vision wasn't of today, but of the future. I'll never know if I don't stop listening to my shadows.
With that being said, it is time for me to venture back home, or at least outside, good god the smell is just so potent!
Until next time!
Don't forget to bathe regularly.