Not too entirely sure what I want to accomplish today, but I do know that I want to accomplish something. So far, that list is very minimal:
I've uploaded a favicon to my website & I rolled me a joint. I wanted to draw. I need to draw, actually. I've two commissions that have been paid for but are awaiting completion. Every time I sit down to do them, I just can't. I hate every little line that spews forth from my hand.
What fucking happened this time to throw my creativity askew?
Last month, October, gave me Inktober and an incredible case of "burnt-out." I was so filled with inspiration and muse going in that I over-did it. I knew it, too. Still, I neglected to properly pace myself and I blew it. I got burnt-out and quit. I try to uplift myself by thinking positive and focusing on the bright side of the situation. Such phrases as "Hey, at least you tried," and "this was your first run, you'll do better next year!" have continuously interrupted my shadowy thoughts in a desperate attempt to fend off depression and, for the most part, it's worked.
Just, not today.
No, today started alright, but since about two hours ago, have gotten increasingly worse. I don't even know why, really. I just know I am in quite the awful mood. Everything irritates me. I'm agitated and cynical. Cynical? really? Nah, that's the not the right word. I am most certainly agitated.
Morose. Agitated and morose.
My home-roll continuously going out isn't making the situation any better, either. So, maybe my list got smaller. Maybe the only accomplishment I achieved so far today has been adding a favicon to my website. And, even that isn't satisfactory. I can find a thousand things wrong with it.
*deep, upset sigh*
And this, I suppose.
Gad, I just don't want to be like this any more. What happened? I mean, I wasn't doing terrific, but I certainly was trying to improve. Now, today, I feel like all my old habits are slowly starting their mutiny against my good. My good habits aren't strong enough - hell, they're hardly formed! I don't want to go backwards.
I gotta go to DayJob now. Gotta go fake the happy and pretend life's perfect.